San Francisco’s treat

Davey on the Golden Gate

Homeless man with pet Sylvester.

The man at the Fortune cookie factory was not amused by my antics

San Francisco’s dirty secret is its aggressive homeless population. I was out for drinks with my college buddy Ramiz when a homeless man came in the bar and stole the dollar I’d left as tip for the bartender.  “Hey, hey, hey,” Ramiz said, “that’s not for you, put that back.”  The man mumbled incoherently and dropped twenty seven cents on the counter in exchange for my crisp GW. “No man,” Ramiz said, “that’s for her.”  He was just about to get up and confront the man when the bartender waved it off with a sigh and said “it’s fine, I don’t care,” and the man shuffled out.  “Sorry,” she apologized, “I don’t know what it is, but we just get the weirdest people coming in here.” The bar was completely empty except for Ramiz and me. “Do you work this shift alone?” I asked.  She was a pretty, young Asian woman somewhere in her early to mid-twenties. “Yeah,” she said, “it’s the only way to make any money.”  “Do you ever get scared?”  “Sometimes,” she said, “but what are you going to do?”

Yikes. A number of people I’ve met along my trip have inquired about Chicago’s crime scene.  Its history as a notorious gangster town gives people the impression that it’s one of America’s most dangerous cities.  Maybe I’ve just been lucky, but Chicago is butterflies and lollipops compared to San Francisco. 

When I was in SF a year ago I accidently turned the wrong way into a dark alley and, I shit you not, saw a full on BLADE lying on the ground.  A man stared menacingly at me a few feet away.  I promptly turned around and half ran out the way I came.  Did I mention I was totally blazed?  Yeah, from drugs I bought off the street. No kidding.  This time around I’ve yet to come into contact with any back alley weapons or street pushers, (although there was an aging hippy whispering “psychadelics?” to passers-by on upper Haight), but I’ve still had a number of run-ins with delinquents. My top three:

1. I was walking with my former Chicago roommate Dave when a homeless man started catcalling me – freestyle:  “Hey cutie, one love, Wayne’s World!”  He got right up in our faces and continued his free association, “you know Sylvester? Sylvester the cat?  He had to get Tweetie, Tweetie Bird, you know?!”  This was the middle of the day right outside China Town.  We both laughed and inched closer to the curb praying for the light to turn green.  This was especially ironic because I’d immediately just finished telling Dave about the tip thief from the night before and expressing my surprise at the fearlessness of some of the SF homeless. I did appreciate that this one quoted Wayne’s World however.  Fifteen years later and I still quote it myself.  (If you haven’t watched it lately, I suggest you do, it’s aged well.)

2. A couple days later Dave and I took the bus to Golden Gate Park.  We were chatting about our upcoming bridge tour and the young man sitting across from us overheard and joined in, “you going to the park?” “yes” we answered. “Were you there for the rally against police brutality?” “No,” we both said concerned “we didn’t know about it.” Police brutality too?  Oh the aggression!  “Yeah,” he said, “I got arrested and was tortured for hours.”  Hmmmm… really? “They cuffed me and now my wrists are all torn up.”  His wrists were perfectly healthy.  “That sucks, man,” Dave said and we gave each other the “engage-this-person-no-longer” look. Dave took out his phone, and I pulled my hat down and pretended to look at my chucks. Really, I was subtlety giving this dude a once over.  He wore a Raiders baseball cap, puffy grey coat, baggy black jeans and overpuffed sneakers.  Definitely sketchy. Anyone proudly sporting early 90s fashion is suspicious if you ask me. “Hey man, can I use your phone?” the man asked Dave. He hesitated for a brief second and then said, “sure,” and handed it over.

I was surprised.  But then again, it made sense.  Dave is The Cool Guy.  He’s super laid back and gets along with everyone.  When we lived together I made him deal with our landlord and bills – he’s just such a smooth negotiator.  Even more importantly, he gave the best boy advice.  If the flirty text message is an art form, David is one of the Great Masters. Whenever I hemmed and hawed over how to respond to a guy, Dave always dictated the cleverest and most perfectly worded reply .

Oh how I miss thee roomie, return to me!!!

ANYWAY, we listened in on the man’s conversation: “yeah, I’m on the 71 and I’m heading near your place, so can I drop it off?  I’ve got to drop something off at the Safeway too, so I’m gonna to be a minute.” Drop something off at the Safeway?  What, are you returning a defective box of cocoa krispies?  The man hung up the phone and handed it back to Dave, “thanks man,” he said.  When we got off the bus I said “I’m surprised you let that guy borrow your phone, that’s awfully trusting of you.” “Yeah,” he replied, “that’s the third time someone’s asked me here, believe me, I was contemplating all the ways I could go after him if he ran off the bus with it.  I just gotta start lying about my minutes.”

3.  The best is when you’re an innocent bystander and you get to observe.  The best is not a homeless person harassing another civilian, but Crazy on Crazy.  I was walking down some hill in the Financial District watching a visor-wearing Asian woman frantically dig through garbage.  A short drunken man approached.  “I decided I don’t want you going through the garbage can.”  She looked up quickly, rapidly blinking.  “I decided I don’t want you going through the garbage can,” the man repeated.  The woman nodded but it was clear she didn’t understand what he was saying.  “I don’t want you going through the garbage can!” he said and then he began to wrestle a grocery size bag of garbage out of the woman’s hand.  They pulled back and forth until it exploded.  “Now look what you’ve done!” The man said and started to go for another bag.  I picked up my pace and passed them, as entertaining as they were, I didn’t want to get hit by San Francisco garbage.

And now a word from our sponsor: Victory Gardens Theater is proud to partner with Margot Bordelon on her exciting travels around the county.  Don’t miss hearing about the adventure in her show You Are Here, April 19 & 20, 2009.  Part of every tickets sold before December 1st, 2009 will help fund Margot’s trip, so buy your tickets now! After December 1st, ticket sales will help us put on her show so that’s a good time to buy too.  Call 773.871.3000 or order online here.

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